Well, tomorrow Jim will have been gone from our presence for 4 months and we are 11 days until Christmas. It is definitely a hard time of year for us. We basically are taking it one day at a time. Some days are better than others. We are missing Jim more than ever but are overwhelmed by the love and good wishes of others. We are decorated, shopped and enjoying listening to Christmas music and feeling the sweet spirit associated with Christmas. We are basking in the memories of Christmas past when our Jim was with us. We know he is with us now but miss his presence greatly. We are sad Jim's sister Nedra and her son Michael are going to Cabo for Christmas. Ever since my kids have been little, Nedra and Michael and Jim's Mom would sleep over at our house and share Christmas with us. We always looked forward to it. Jim's mom passed several years ago and Nedra and Michael have decided traveling is more fun on Christmas so here we are. We will miss them. We discussed going to a snowy cabin or even going with Nedra to Cabo for Christmas but decided that it would be hard no matter where we were so we might as well stay home. There is a safety and a comfort being here. Our Nephew Allen and his wife will be staying overnight so that will be a fun bonus for Christmas. I think we might just make it through this season.

Today I am Thankful for those dear friends and loved ones that make us feel loved and ease our burdens. We are so grateful for those that boost us up when we feel down and give us the courage and strength to handle our hardships. It helps so much to know we are not alone and loved. We love you.

Brendan's First Big Dance: He went with Jessica to WSU's Homecoming Dance. How cute are they. They were nice enough to come by the house so Sarah and I could Ooooh and Ahhhhhhh and take pictures. Jim was smiling down I am sure.

It has been over 3 weeks since Jim's passing. It is weird, because to me it feels like it was just yesterday we lost him. I think we all have a protective mechanism in us that somehow makes us want to believe he is still alive. I know in my mind that he has passed to the other side but part of me still wants to believe he will still walk through the door. Not rational, but real. I have decided that grieving is not rational and that is ok. I have also noticed that my brain is not very sharp right now. I think it is using all of it's energy just to keep me going. I have had people ask me if we are more in a routine now or somehow more used to the idea. The answer is no. As much as we try to do the normal family activities there is a huge hole in our lives. I doubt very much that that hole will ever go away. Maybe we will just get used to it. Also, regular activities somehow lose their meaning when you lose that person you are so connected to.

People wonder how the children are doing. It is a hard question to answer because on the outside they seem like they are doing fine. They are tough cookies and have had to deal with a lot these past months. They go to school every day, are involved in various activities, do their homework, practice their lessons and go on with their routines. They are strong and stubborn like their Mom and Dad. I worry though that we are all just carrying on and then in about 6 months we are all going to crash. I guess that is ok though. There are no rules as to how we are supposed to work through this process.

One thing I have noticed though is that Jim's death has reinforced our bond as a family. We know that nothing is more important than being together again. We have felt Jim's influence over us. We are a united front. The kids and I have bonded more deeply and everyone has every one's back. I notice small miracles happen everyday. Spencer who used to not have alot of patience with Nathan is now going out of his way to make sure that he includes his younger brother in everything. He mentioned to Nathan the other day that he and Brendan were going to take Nate to Father's and Son's and how much fun they were going to have. That does a mother's heart good. I have also noticed miracles of myself having more patience with my children in ways that I did not have patience before. One of the kid's told me that when faced with decisions they hear Jim's voice (not literally) in their head guide them. I guess losing Jim has changed our perspective in alot of ways. The things that you thought were important before, the annoying habits, the imperfections all are just not as important in the big scheme of things. I know that is Jim watching over and influencing his family. Nothing is more important to him than his family.

Today I Am Thankful for Heavenly Father's Plan and that our family knows it and has faith in it. What a wonderful gift.