Tomorrow it will be 2 weeks since Jim's passing. The funeral services and graveside services were amazing and brought such peace to us. It was very hard to come home from St. George. The kid's and I just wanted to stay there. The house there is full of Jim. When he was first diagnosed with cancer and so sick he was more determined then ever to finish the basement in that house. He would sit in a chair and hammer or do the electric. It was like he was building this legacy for his kids. He was.

Monday, the 23rd was Jim's birthday. So, on our way out of town we stopped and got 48 balloons (Jim's age) and let them go at the cemetery. We watched the balloons go into the sky until we could see them no more. It was very cool.

People ask how we are doing and the only way I can describe it is that it is very strange. It is not like we are walking around crying all the time but actually more like we are robots. Everyone says we are so strong. It is not being strong, it is being numb. You know you are supposed to go on with your life. So you fill your life with mundane and meaningless tasks to stay busy and not give in to the grief that you know is imminent. It is also weird because you don't know who you are or what your role is anymore. When you lose that person that is such a huge part of your life, who you are and what your role is all changes. I took the kids to dinner last night thinking it was a Friday night and we should do something as a family. One kid talked continuously, one was angry and ornery and two sat and ate their dinner and said nothing. It was boring and not fun at all. I realized that Jim was the one that was always the center of everything. He was the one who brought the fun and excitement into everything. It is going to take all of us some time to figure out what we are supposed to do now. Someone told me yesterday that it took her 4 years after she lost her spouse before she thought that she was going to be ok. Someone mentioned a couple of times the other day about me being a "single mom" now. I kept cringing when I heard it. I thought, "I am not a single mom. I have a husband. My kids have a father." I keep telling my kids. We are going to take this one day at a time. It's all we can do.

When I thought about what I was thankful for, I thought, "I am thankful for nothing. Everything sucks." But, then I thought about all of the people who have carried me through the last 6 months and who are carrying me now. So, TODAY I AM THANKFUL FOR all those wonderful people who care for us, pray for us, grieve with us and love us.

Today I AM THANKFUL that I had 24 wonderful years with this amazing man.

Jim Still In The ICU

Jim is still in the ICU. His pneumonia is improving but he is still having graft vs. host symptoms, and is very week. While transferring him from the chair to the bed today he passed out. His blood pressure is dropping when he stands again but I think it is due to the amount of fluids that are being taken off during dialysis. It seams it is one extreme or the other. He is either fluid overloaded or dehydrated. They are doing dialysis daily though because they are trying to keep his lungs dry. He has mostly slept yesterday and today. He says he feels very tired and weak. He is still very mentally aware and in good spirits. Although he is weak, as soon as Physical Therapy comes in, he is doing what he can to walk down the hall. He knows he needs to do it to get stronger. Today the man is walking down the hall with a therapist on each side, me pushing the wheelchair behind (just in case), pushing his walker, shaking like crazy and turning white as a ghost as he is ready to pass out. He still would not stop until we made him sit down. He keeps trekking through. He would have made a great Pioneer.

Today my heart is full and my emotions close to the surface. My brother Dave's wife is having a baby boy as I blog. I can't help but think of the irony as one soul is fighting to come to this world, one is also fighting to stay here. I feel full of love for this man who under no circumstances is throwing in the towel. He is the epitome of what it means to be strong and courageous. He is a great example to all around him of being steadfast and faithful. I truly hope my new nephew will get the opportunity to know and love his amazing Uncle Jim.

Today I AM THANKFUL FOR another new fresh spirit coming to bless our family. We Love You Dave and Cindy.