Day #3

Sorry, no blog yesterday, but it was one of those days. Thanks Nedra for giving an update. Rough last couple of days.

The last three days have been pretty brutal for Jim. Today was worse than yesterday. No complications but he just feels really bad. He is extremely congested from one of the many meds which we think are causing his bad headaches. Nausea has been worse today and now he is not eating. I guess all of this is expected and will probably last another week or so. Blood counts are lower today and the MD said that Jim will probably need platelets and red blood cell infusions tomorrow. His white blood count is at zero. If he continues to not eat, they will feed him through the IV. I was going to bring the kids today but he didn't want anyone but me. He was kind of in and out of it all day. It is probably good that the kids didn't come because I know it would be hard for them to see. It is hard for me to see. Yesterday, Brendan took the trax train all the way out here and stayed for 20 minutes because I think he just couldn't handle it. But he hugged and kissed his Dad and told him that he loved him.

So, yesterday my day was like one of those scenes out of a bad movie. I had spent Friday night and was leaving the hospital at 2:00 to go to Sarah's violin recital in Ogden. My dear friend was taking her there and my mom was there also. So, I go out to the car and have trouble starting it. I realized I was very low in gas because I didn't fill up the day before so that I could hurry to Jim. So I get it started and I am driving down the street realizing I don't know where a gas station is. I call my Dad. As he is talking me to the station, my "check oil pressure" light flashes and my car stalls of course losing power steering and brakes. Then I am able to restart the car and get to the gas station. I am still fine and still smiling because I know that I will make it to the recital. So, after I fill up in SLC I realize the oil pressure light is still flashing. So, I call my Dad again and decide to stop in North SLC to check the oil. I text Sarah to have her teacher put her last on the program figuring I would put oil in the car and be on my way. So, again my Dad is talking to me on the phone telling me what oil to buy and how to put it in. Meanwhile my cop brother is on duty and is a few blocks away. So, I know he is coming to help me. I am still calm, still smiling and assured that my situation is still fixable. So, the girl clerk and me are checking my oil. It is full. My brother comes and some other guy is helping me. The guy messes with some thing-a-ma-gig and thinks that is my oil pressure problem. I start up the car and the pressure goes up. So, I am up and running and am sure I will make it in time. My brother actually follows me to the freeway and I think I am good. The moment I see my brother turn the corner the pressure starts dropping again. Again, I am on the phone with my dad. Now I am on the highway and I realize there is really a problem. So, do I keep going to make the recital or pull over in Centerville? I have an overwhelming feeling to get off at the exit. The moment I pull off of the exit, my car dies thus again losing power steering and brakes. I am able to make it to the side of the road. Then I get a text from Sarah. "Two more people and then I go Mom". At that point, I sob, because I know I am beaten. I know there is no way to make it in time and I have to text her back and tell her I am not making it. It killed me. I felt so bad for her. I just thought how unfair that her Dad has cancer, is in the hospital and can't be there and now I can't be there. I tried so hard but no matter what I did, it just wasn't happening. It was like one of those bad dreams that you are trying to run but your body moves too slow. I text her back, tell her I am so sorry, that I am proud of her and love her so much, and to have her Nanna record it on her phone. I told her to be brave and do her very best. She later told me that she was about to cry. So, she stood up there, closed her eyes, blocked out everything around her and played her song. I heard she did well. I am so proud of her. What a strong girl. So, my poor Dad gets another call (probably the 10th at least), I call AAA (Thank goodness I renewed my membership)and we wait for the tow truck. I told my kids they had better pray that I didn't fry the engine.

I think the hardest part of the day was that I wasn't able to tell my best friend in this whole world about my day. He only has enough strength right now to concentrate on the moment. He is always the one I talk to, so I felt a little empty. I couldn't help but think for a moment that this is how it would feel if I lost him. "Lost" is how I felt. But, my sweet brother John keeps reminding me that this is only temporary. I know soon that he will start to feel better and I will be able to rant and rave about the happenings of our life and he will actually care.

So, now you know why no blog. Just a little stressed out! I don't know why all of this surprises me because when it rains, it pours. BRING ON THE RAIN! I can say that now, but yesterday I wasn't laughing.

Today, I AM THANKFUL that there is always tomorrow.