It has been over 3 weeks since Jim's passing. It is weird, because to me it feels like it was just yesterday we lost him. I think we all have a protective mechanism in us that somehow makes us want to believe he is still alive. I know in my mind that he has passed to the other side but part of me still wants to believe he will still walk through the door. Not rational, but real. I have decided that grieving is not rational and that is ok. I have also noticed that my brain is not very sharp right now. I think it is using all of it's energy just to keep me going. I have had people ask me if we are more in a routine now or somehow more used to the idea. The answer is no. As much as we try to do the normal family activities there is a huge hole in our lives. I doubt very much that that hole will ever go away. Maybe we will just get used to it. Also, regular activities somehow lose their meaning when you lose that person you are so connected to.

People wonder how the children are doing. It is a hard question to answer because on the outside they seem like they are doing fine. They are tough cookies and have had to deal with a lot these past months. They go to school every day, are involved in various activities, do their homework, practice their lessons and go on with their routines. They are strong and stubborn like their Mom and Dad. I worry though that we are all just carrying on and then in about 6 months we are all going to crash. I guess that is ok though. There are no rules as to how we are supposed to work through this process.

One thing I have noticed though is that Jim's death has reinforced our bond as a family. We know that nothing is more important than being together again. We have felt Jim's influence over us. We are a united front. The kids and I have bonded more deeply and everyone has every one's back. I notice small miracles happen everyday. Spencer who used to not have alot of patience with Nathan is now going out of his way to make sure that he includes his younger brother in everything. He mentioned to Nathan the other day that he and Brendan were going to take Nate to Father's and Son's and how much fun they were going to have. That does a mother's heart good. I have also noticed miracles of myself having more patience with my children in ways that I did not have patience before. One of the kid's told me that when faced with decisions they hear Jim's voice (not literally) in their head guide them. I guess losing Jim has changed our perspective in alot of ways. The things that you thought were important before, the annoying habits, the imperfections all are just not as important in the big scheme of things. I know that is Jim watching over and influencing his family. Nothing is more important to him than his family.

Today I Am Thankful for Heavenly Father's Plan and that our family knows it and has faith in it. What a wonderful gift.